Tonight is an awesome night and you have to agree with me.

My awesome buddy found his love and got his love. I assured my new good friend that her boy is awesome. Her boy IS great. A wonderful boyfriend that every girl will want. He may not have the best looks but he has a great attitude.

I realised how cynical I was to my girlfriends' boyfriends in the past. I constantly reminded my girls the faults their boys have. I used to dislike Chinwei but now I think whatever he does for cheryl is not bcos he is selfish and uptight. He did that all for Cheryl's own good.
I now understood and realised how blessed my girls are and I am truly happy for them. I have this outburst of joy in my heart right now. I'm feeling contented and blissful as I am, right now, trying to stand in the shoes of theirs. I hope they can see it too.

I have a whole lot of joy to share and spread. But there seems to have no one to spread to tonight.
But no fret, cos tonight is not the only night and tmr will be great.

I guess things are changing for me, for the better. Let's hope it is so.

Goodnight all, Sweet dreams.

Again, on the same day I'm posting.
After I posted the previous entry, I went to Facebook. I saw Officer's relationship status changed.

I'm shocked. I'm disappointed. A surge of disappointment dawned upon me after I registered that information into my brain. It's not that I still like Officer boy, no I don't. It's more like I am disappointed in men. Men.

It's sad to realise how much a jerk some men can be. It's sadder to realise that I'm surrounded by so many of them. I don't seem to fit in to my circle of romantics. I thought the liberty I give in my relationships would make me more attractive and easy going. Sadly, it is not true. It only makes me seem so EASY. I bet, to him, i'm easy. EASY.
I've actually wasted so much time on him. I gave him the benefit of doubts. I chose to believe that he is a good guy. I interpreted his words in the best way possible. I was utterly hopeful. I was called foolish upmteen of times. I still chose to believe that he is good, that his reason for not wanting to settle down is because he needs a short break, simple as that. I chose to believe that I wasn't a tool or an advantage. I believed that he appreciates me.  I would still choose to believe so till I saw the change in his relationship status and heard about the things that are happening around me.

He, simply doesn't like me enough to settle down. I, was an easy tool for an awesome relieve. I, was too nice to him. He is a terrible terrible jerk.

What is the definition of "I like you" in a man's dictionary? Does it mean, "I just wanna fuck you. Cos I merely like you, I do not love you."? When a woman says "I like you", it means that she is emotionally bonded to you. She hopes for genuine care and concern from the guy she likes. GENUINE. and maybe a fuck. But it is more about emotional needs.

It seems like it is true that the ultimate aim for every dating game is a SEX. Why is it that When women are hoping to look for true love from it while men are looking for good sexual activities. A safe and nice sex. The shallowness in some men, scares me. It's like 4 out of 5 men I'm attracted to will be like this. Sex is the criteria. My goodness.

My next top questions,

"Why is dating a GAME?"

and


"Why do men and women has to be attracted to each other when we are so damn different?"

Please enlighten me.

Assessment's finally over and now comes ISP. I'm actually quite excited for it. However, it might be just what SDLoh said, "It's always nice to start something but it isn't nice to complete it." How true, how true for people like me.
The theme for this year's ISP is "Dream". It can be anything about dream. Any variation of interpretation on "Dream" will be accepted. It's like an open brief and I do not like. I prefer limitations. Darn, now please, the Holy one, strike me with inspiration and wisdom.


New boy, new boy. You're likeable and unattractive. Really.

30th September and tomorrow will be........................ PAPERHEART'S Premier!

AH WOOOH! I can't wait but i doubt I'll get to catch it tmr! Ha! Silly..

It has been a really really tiring week, especially today. I managed to complete whatever that needs to be completed by this week and I'm dead beat. Gosh, NAFA drains out every energy in us.

I was supposed to meet choo for dinner today. So before meeting him, SDloh and I went to 15 minutes cafe to chill.
We talked about a lot of things over there. It was really enjoyable sharing ideas, thoughts and opinions about life, generally.
Oh, and Nori popped by to say hi. I miss him a lot man. Still handsome as he is. (:
And I didnt get to meet choo for dinner cos he had to continue with the meeting.    :(     Got to meet him for the shampoo though. And he swept my feet off the ground, again.




Like people know, I'm a very "love-love" kind of girl. I may seem really contented with life but I miss loving someone. It may not be long since I last got involved in a romantic relationship however, I guess I have too much love to giveaway. So much so that I'm missing it. Damn, I miss having a fling too. GOSH.

I'm tired, so this post is utterly disorganised.
I can't be bothered. So, Goodnight.

I'm just so happy for you, bud.

I hope you did sense my excitement for you over the phone just now :)





I cried to this vid every time i watch it. I don't understand why.

 
Lately I realized how fortunate I am. Well, I'm always thankful for having such awesome friends. But lately, I feel more thankful than usual.

My Dell desktop just arrived. And i spoiled it already. I'm just awesome. And Edward, came to my rescue. He's been so nice lately man. Accompanied me for lunch, dinner and bus trips. And just now, he made a detour to my place to help me fix my PC. It is still faulty. Shucks, I did something to the voltage switch and burnt the fuse. Therefore, I can't do anything to it. And Ed will help me call to the service centre and screw them because in order to get it fixed, I'll have to pay $150. Fuck, No way that i'll pay and Ed's gonna help me with it. Pray hard, Pray hard. (: See, he is awesome too isn't it? What can I say, my friends are awesome! AWESOME! 

My awesomest buddy is gonna book out tmr! And he's looking like a happy buddha. HA!





I don't wanna try because I don't wanna spoil what we have. Yet I know you're exactly what I want.  

 
I think I've crossed the desert and regained my freedom from you. 

Last night I stayed up to watch "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist". Thankfully I stayed up to watch it despite my sickness. Its soundtrack, saved me somehow. I don't exactly know how but I just feel so much better after listening. I smiled my way to sleep. My player now has the awesomest playlist.

I just came back from the library. I spent a very good time with myself and my new playlist. I thought about certain stuffs, especially about moving on to the better part of my life. "Love yourself, cat.", this phrase never stops playing in my mind. I always thought that I know what it means and that I am loving myself. Today, I realized that I did not. I didn't love myself enough, therefore I'm upset over silly things. I thought I need JJ but i don't. I'm a romantic, I love that my life is revolved around romance. I need romance in my life. That is what I need. It's something I can't get from JJ. I was too persistent, till I lost my cool. I became pushy and overly hopeful. I'm not loving myself this way, I'm just making myself an uncool person. I was altering my character to fit his bill. I was not happy. I lost my charm. I'm happier now as I'm typing. He is a gigolo while I was a whore. I think this drama should end. I want back the old me. It might seem boring and less happening. At least it'll be healthier and I'm giving myself the well-deserved respect. I won't feel empty at night because I know I loss less than what I've gained.

I'll stop feeling lowly of myself, stop feeling guilty, dirty and useless. One day, someone will appreciates me for who I really am. He'll appreciates my fickleness, my complicated mind, my nasty but cute habits, my curly fringe, my stretch marks, my mole, my pimply face, my lousy self discipline. Because I'm special like that. He will not make me work too hard to compromise to him because he loves me.

I can pick myself up in the past, I can do it now too. I shall keep things simple and move on. It'll be better for me and for him. Especially better for myself. So let's move on to my simple life.
For simplicity is beautiful.

This is the best video I can find for this soundtrack. Enjoy!



- The Catherine who loves herself. (:

 
I missed Monday's classes again. Quite sick this time. My brain is not really organized because I am not feeling well. It gets hard to type too cos I'm too weak. My hands can't stop trembling. Went to the doc and it wasn't a good experience.

Today I told myself that I need to stop thinking about him and love myself more. I think about him a lot, even right now as I'm typing. but i have to stop thinking about him and get used to life without romance. Friends can be just as good. I have to convince myself with that. 


Catherine, you don't need love, especially not his.

Damn tired today. BEAT. very. Oh, it's baybeats today, till sunday. I'm excited about it but i'm just to drained to put in the exclamation marks. Cos.. I'm drained....................................

Life is indeed full of surprises isn't it? Be it big surprise or small surprise, good surprise or bad surprise. It's just full of it.
I chanced upon ykid's blog and his blog song is reggae-d style "Somewhere over the rainbow" by this unknown guy. ykid eh, how surprising.
During my brother's graduation, I realised that I'm so damn proud of him and yearned to hug him. My love for my brother, how surprising. 
I met up with Ryan yesterday and we went up to the roof of Orchard Central, higher than the other time - the ROOF. The adrenaline rush, the wind, the view, the company, the ambience and the tiny romantic feeling, how surprising.
Friends in NAFA think that Qiyao and I are dating, fucking surprising.

But there is this someone I hope to be surprised by but sadly, no. Nothing is or will be coming from him. 
I need to learn to slow down my pace. Cos I know, I don't need him. It's just no one better is around me, yet.

If only I can be this sober all the time, every time.

We had to write a poem as an assignment.



It's amazing how it started.
We never had intended.
It's our secret.
This temporary facade.

And since then I wonder,
If we should have started.
For I'm falling deeper.
It's tearing me apart.

One day your adoration will taper.
All I hope is you'll remember.
This little secret,
this sweet facade.

 
It's not easy, It's really not easy. 

I keep hoping and hoping. 

Badron said, "If you wait for something, It will never comes to you."

Does that mean that I should allow someone to overwrite him? 






But I can't bear to................

 
It was a really fun night. I had never drank this much. Shots of Martell, a shot of i-don't-know-what, Vodka mixtures, Joy Martini-s and Midori Sprite. I was so damn high. Legs were weak, head was spinning. I wasn't drunk, I was extremely happy. And I got myself a PT boyfriend. 

Now I know why some people love to club.
I think I'm experiencing a hangover.
Aha.

 
"I dont wana add to your sadness but the truth is he's not into you"   

Thanks cher, It hurt damn bad.

:( 

 

You're such a prick sometimes. You.
I know what u fucking mean behind those words.
Asshole.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I felt like i cheated on JJ although I know I should not, cos we are - almost nothing?

Honestly, what are we? Why can't he answer my question properly? 

Dammit. Fuck care.

I'll just leave it as it is for as long as I can.

Sometimes you know the solutions but u can't help but dwell into the same thought over and over again. Over and again, trying to think of a better solution but actually you've got none? 

I kept thinking around the same spot. I know it's wrong. I guess why i do so it's because I'm not contented with the solution i have. Because I can foresee the negative effects.
Because I am impatient.
Because I feel a lot for you. 
I don't know if my feelings for you are considered as infatuation. I just keep thinking of you. I think of you when i listen to slow pace music. I'll be wondering if you are thinking about me. Have you ever felt that you missed me in the 1 month when we didn't meet? Cos I miss you. Have you found yourself a better luck? I tried and i detest myself for attempting to. You see, I'm already a sucker for you.  R said he never really thought much between M and him. And he has been liking her for 3+ years. I know that's what I should do too. Just relax and chill. But because I have a feeling that one day, soon, we'll stop talking and months later, you'll be telling me about another girl. It causes me to be unsettled.

Amongst these hopeless conclusions, I'm carrying this hope. This hope that we can still make it, that I still have a chance. I don't expect us to be together in lighting speed or anything. I can't afford to either. I have my own commitments. What I hope for is that one day when we want to settle down, it will be US again. I hope not to hear you telling me about other girls. I hope that I won't lose you.  

Yours Faithfully.

 HOLLA.

I'm suppose to be rushing my assignment right now. But I have no inspiration, not much. So i guess prolly i should write a bit to get my brain going. What do I have to do - 4 personal namecard design and 1 illustrated self potrait. Sounds easy? No.

I took a 20 minutes break in between. I got 4 ideas already. AWESOME. WRITING AND TALKING WORKS BEST FOR ME. I CANNOT SHUT UP.   HAHAHA!
 
I'll start drawing now and write later! target to sleep by 1.30 am. 

Let's toast to a healthier lifestyle!

 
I'm still doing really well. School has started and so far it's been good. I'm still in the slacker's mode. But I'll pick myself up soon enough!
Getting along well with my classmates but i foresee conflicts and politics as days go by. NAFA is a complicated place. And as I expected, plenty of propaganda. Seriously. Ask me about it man.

I've exposed myself to more blogs lately and I noticed certain styles of writing. I realised that I actually do despise certain writing styles.  I dislike those writing styles that every post sounds way too emo. I dislike those that try to make themselves sound deep and philosophical. I dislike those that uses song titles as their blog titles. I dislike those that try to make themselves sound "atas" when they grew up in an extremely humble environment. It's annoying cos what's the point of keep a blog when your blog is so fake? Well, maybe cos the reason why I keep a blog is because I want a place for me to write down my thoughts when I am too lazy to pen it down. It's also a place for me to update my close close friends about me. My blog is not to showcase myself. It is not to show others something I am not. My blog is truly genuine. So if you are reading this, you know u are privileged. 

I just read a post by my awesomest buddy. A post dedicated to me. As I am very frank and honest, I'll write this without making it private.

AB (short for awesome buddy),
I forgot when and how did we became so close. But I'll always remember the times we had together. You're the first person I called "Awesomest buddy" and with that, I might just make you a trophy someday. Lately, there had been times that we grew apart and to be honest, I was afraid that we'll never be close again. If that ever happens, it'll be one of the greatest pity in my life. After the short period of "MIA", I'm happy we can still talk. I'm happy you chose train instead of bus tonight, so that we had the chance to talk. I'm happy that you took the stroll home with me and you were the first who did that with me, do you remember? You're one of the few that I can say everything to and one of the two that will not judge me. Our mindsets can be very different but you can still accept me as your awesome buddy, I appreciate that effort. I'm not a goody good girl that you used to think I am but you still love me. To know that I can count on you with almost everything, I'm very touched. However, maybe one day when you have a girlfriend, things will change. Even though that day will come, you will still be my awesomest buddy and I hope we can still stand by each other. 

To sum up my words - I love you too, MX.



People, I'm so loving my life. Why? Cos I have an awesome bunch of friends and I am awesome. 

 4AM, we stay out till. Badron, Grace and I. 
We went to that special place Joey brought me too and I'm so happy that Badron and Grace found it a good place.
Cos they were so skeptical about it. 
It was a really rainy night. Yes, it caused a lot of inconvenience but at the same time it was fun, ran across the road in the rain with Badron. I kinda wished that we can just ran and play in the rain like no one cares. One day, soon, I'll do that. Grace joined us hours later, after the opening event at her workplace is over. Thank goodness I didn't go for I had a strong feeling that P might be there and he was. Phew, I'm smart. Surely he asked Grace about me but she's smart enough to say less. We met and had fun at the special place. Talked about a lot of stuffs and really it's one of the best nights I had. Seriously. I wish we can go there someday soon. Before it is no longer this special. Cos soon, I will be filled with uncool couples and it'll be a cheapo low class place. 

The feeling I had yesterday was too nice that I can't really describe anymore with my pathetic vocab library. Just remember that it's awesome. Really Awesome.

Tmr I'll have an early wake up and start my day healthy ! 
Goodnight!

I'm into writing lately. Nope, not those literature writings, I'm never gonna make it there. I'm into penning down my thoughts. Such that I have this booklet I carry around quite often. And I name it "My Brain in Text Form." One day, when I'm famous, I'm gonna publish that and make countless mollas roll in my bank. Ching-a-ling-a-ling. Wonderful money tunes. I like penning down my thoughts in ink on paper. Feels like I'm not alone.  I know I'm not. (:

I met Farhana and Ryan just now, yeap my 2 years crush 1 year ago. And it was a nice outing. Ryan is still hot and cute as ever. He is hotter after he came back from Bali. However, I truly think that I've gotten over him. And this time it's not because I have a boyfriend or anything like that. I guess I have long registered him in my "Never Will We Make It" club. Nevertheless, Ryan is my good pal. (:  We met up after i had no mood to face my portfolio anymore. My portfolio sucks seriously. Urgh. Anyway, then we went around CityHall for window shopping and saw a few dresses that I would like to buy. One of which is a really stunning pink and orange dress, $96 from Miss Selfridge. Ryan said that it's a head turner. With that, I'm absolutely tempted to buy. As we walked to Suntec City, Ryan and I were talking about business plans and goals and all those inspiring stuffs. He mentioned about this book called "The Secrets". It seems like an inspiring book because he told me inspiring stuffs he learnt from the book. 

He told me that the Universe works in an interesting way. He said that when a person is driven by a goal and he is very passionate in it, he will somewhat sends out a signal to the universe. It's a signal or frequency or aura or i-don't-know-what that exists due to the drive. And when the universe receives it,  the universe will sense and provide him with some aids and he will reach his goal. Cos somehow if you are very driven by the passion, you'll tend to spend a lot of time thinking about it and the universe will give you the energy to actually do it. That's how i interpret it and explained it to myself. And also, those words triggered my thoughts. Perhaps the writer said that just to motivate people. It doesn't actually works that way. Why? Because it is a motivational book. It teaches you "Never give up".  It tells you that the universe will give you the power but it is a non-physical power, you don't see it. So you think you are waiting for the power from the universe but actually you are subconsciously empowered by yourself, your own perseverance. Confusing? Maybe a little eh? 

Also, on the bus, I was penning down my thoughts and random thoughts led to good thoughts. That's why I like to pen down my thoughts lately. Cos i surprised myself with my realizations sometimes. I realized that I'm impatient. Yes, talking about Jiajun again. I realized how silly, dumb and impatient I was. Relax, I'm fine. I'm not feeling horrible about myself cos I found my mistakes and decided to change, for the better.
I compared myself to Ryan. He likes mich since i know him and he is still liking and waiting for her. His hard work paid off, at a slow slow pace. They are not together yet but he is a happy guy cos he knows he will reap a good sow out of it. The issue between Jiajun and I merely started 2 - 3 months ago. And there i was making a scene out of everything. As though I did a lot and put in a lot of effort. Bullshit, I did not. I didn't even have the patience to wait. Right? I have been very impatient! Look at my relationship with Nelson, Juho and Perry, they are all crash courses. No wonder we didn't make it. What is there to rush? Why do I need Jiajun to be mine instantaneously? I don't need. I have all the time in the whole and c'mon, I'm only 19 and I still have a long way to go till I graduate and NEED  a boyfriend. What's the rush? No rush, right? I understood this now and I'm happy. I like Jiajun and I am not gonna rush myself to forget about him. I'll just like him and if I won't get anything soon, so be it. If we weren't meant to be, there's nothing I can do. If we were, we will be together despite taking it slow. I'm leaving it to fate now, what Fid believes in. And if a better boy comes by along the way and I'll be more than happy.

Now, let's just take one step at a time, slowly. I need to understand that Good thing is worth waiting for. Since I think Jiajun is a good thing, I'll wait for it. And hopefully with this attitude and drive of mine - the attitude to seeking true love, I'll send out a signal to the universe and the universe will return my favour.